There's a big rectangular box in a dark corner of the hallway next to the ladies bathroom here at work. Inside this box, which has been sitting here for over a year now, is a two-foot wide roll of self-adhesive clear plastic. Four hundred amazing feet of clear plastic, forgotten, abandoned, sitting in a dusty box that's beginning to sag... and I want to take it.

I am not normally like this. Once when I was a child I stole a small blue balloon from a gift shop and my Grandma made me return it, which I did, and haven't stolen anything intentionally (well okay maybe that shirt a friend loaned me but hey she should've demanded it back before she moved to Paris, right?) since then. And if it's forgotten would it really be stealing? The maintenance guy wouldn't notice it, nor would the janitor, nor would anyone in the office.

I want to take this monstrous roll of sticky plastic home with me.

What would I do with it? I don't know, the possibilities are endless. I could wrap my car up in plastic. Or make a giant plastic bubble with four hula hoops. I could go totally redneck and use it (sticky side in, of course) for the double purpose of enclosing my patio and catching any insects who manage to get inside. I could roll myself up like some giant cocoon. I could put plastic all over my floors...

Oh, wait. That's the recommended use.

"Carpet protection." Except I don't have carpet. Well maybe I could put it sticky-side up and giggle as the animals walk funny on it. I had a friend whose parents had a big damn fancy house with super thick expensive white carpet and they put these plastic runners along all the heavy traffic pathways, like from the front door to the stairs, or to the bathroom. I thought it was stupid to have white carpet in the first place, but to then stick plastic on it so all the crud forms these skid-lines at the edges of the plastic pathways was just about the highest apex of "we got five cars two boats and a rv" possible. I always pretended I didn't notice when I stepped off the "edge" into the forbidden white carpet. Evil me.

So there this magic roll sits (a sail boat sail! a hot-air balloon!), unused in its box (an immediate repair for broken windows!), and here I sits (the possibilities are endless!). This situation continues.

But if you don't hear from me tomorrow, I may have built Wonder-woman's invisible jet using 400 amazing feet of self-adhesive clear plastic.

Endless possibilities.